Relationships Built on Projection vs. Real Ones (a.k.a. Fantasy vs. Actual Human)

There’s a sneaky psychological thing that loves to show up in relationships and then pretend it’s not there: projection.

In Jungian psychology, projection is what happens when we unknowingly paste parts of our own inner world — desires, fears, unfinished business — onto another person. It’s less “I see you” and more “I see what I need you to be.”

In romantic situations, projection can feel electric. Magnetic. Destiny-ish. But here’s the twist: that intensity often has very little to do with the actual human standing in front of you.

Quick note before we go further: this text often talks about women, but projection is equal-opportunity chaos. Any gender can project. Any gender can receive it.

When Attraction Is Loud but Action Is Missing

When someone feels intensely drawn to you but is also strangely afraid to approach, something interesting is usually happening.

It’s often not a meeting between two fully formed individuals — it’s a meeting between a person and an inner image. In Jungian terms, for men this is frequently the Anima: the inner feminine archetype.

In other words, you’re not being seen as you. You’re being seen as a symbol. A fantasy. A screen for someone else’s unconscious.

If the person can’t emotionally or psychologically handle the intensity of that inner image, they won’t approach directly. Instead, the projection slides toward someone who feels safer, softer, or more receptive.

Jung put it bluntly: projection takes the path of least resistance.

Now, to be fair — not every awkward crush is projection. Fear of rejection, social anxiety, or past wounds can absolutely play a role. But when strong attraction consistently pairs with fear and avoidance, projection is often lurking in the background, pretending to be romance.

The Quiet Burden of Absorbing Projections

Women who become targets of projection are not weak. If anything, they’re often open, emotionally intelligent, adaptable — which unfortunately makes them excellent emotional sponges.

They may start absorbing the other person’s expectations:

Sometimes consciously. Often not.

They don’t lose themselves overnight — it’s more like a slow drift. Living inside someone else’s idea of them. Performing a role they didn’t audition for.

This creates a relationship that feels intense but isn’t real.

It’s passionate. Dramatic. Consuming.

And yeah — fake as fuck. 

Other Projections Women Commonly Run Into

Projection doesn’t come in just one flavor. Some of the classics:

PROJECTION OF UNLIVED POTENTIAL

A partner looks for qualities in a woman that they’ve abandoned or suppressed in themselves.

Example:

He longs for emotional depth, creativity, or courage — while avoiding his own feelings and unrealized talents.

She becomes the container for what he won’t develop.

PROJECTION OF OLD WOUNDS

Past relationships sneak into the present.

Example:

Someone who was betrayed once now scans every move for danger, projecting suspicion onto a loyal partner.

The woman isn’t reacting to this relationship — she’s responding to ghosts.

All of this blocks real intimacy, because no one is actually being seen. The relationship exists inside one person’s inner movie.

How Intuition Notices Something’s Missing

Women with strong intuition usually sense this immediately — even if they can’t explain it.

Something feels… hollow.

There’s attraction, but no true meeting. No exchange of identities. No sense of being met as a whole, separate person.

The connection may feel compelling, even addictive — but not grounding. Not mutual. Not real.

Projection-Based Relationships vs. Authentic Ones

The difference is brutal and obvious once you see it.

Projection-based relationships

• feel conditional
• drain energy
• require performance
• collapse when the fantasy cracks

One person plays a role. The other reacts to an image.

Authentic relationships

• involve two individuated people
• allow difference without threat
• feel stable, even when intense

Real intimacy comes from recognition, not idealization.

For women, spotting projection early protects autonomy.

For everyone, noticing your own projections is the gateway to real connection instead of chasing illusions.

Why Some Women Stay in the Role

Sometimes playing the role feels safer.

It brings attention. Affection. Approval. It keeps the connection alive.

It avoids conflict.

But living inside someone else’s fantasy is expensive.

The cost is exhaustion, self-erosion, and relationships that never quite feel mutual.

Seeing this clearly — without shame — is how you reclaim your center.

Remember:

Strong attraction doesn’t always mean deep connection.

Ask yourself:

Am I being met as a person — or as an image?

Authenticity is radical. Messy. Honest.

And it’s the only form of intimacy that doesn’t slowly cost you yourself.

---

By Tea Franca